Trying to find joy, I’ve discovered, is a little like learning to drive a stick shift. It really shouldn’t be that difficult. But unless you know what you’re doing, you end up grinding the gears, making a lot of noise—and going exactly nowhere.

It needn’t be that way. In the last several years, positive-psychology researchers have been digging into what really gives us joy. Part of what they found is that there is a genetic component to happiness. But that’s just the beginning. “Feeling good is also a skill you can learn,” says Sonja Lyubomirsky, Ph.D., author of  The How of Happiness (Penguin). You’ve got to be willing to put forth some effort and maybe feel a little foolish sometimes, but eventually you will get where you’re going. We’ve picked the best of the latest studies. Put them to good use—you’ll be glad you did.

Loosen Up Your Attitude

Smart Start Keep an open mind and you won’t feel so overwhelmed, say researchers at the University of Rochester, in New York. When you’re freed to respond in a relaxed, less defensive way, you’ll extract the most from each moment, says Todd Kashdan, Ph.D., author of Curious? (William Morrow).

Go for Glad Train your brain to view things differently by peppering your language with the word “sometimes.” That simple qualifier prevents you from stereotyping situations and people. So instead of just looking for facts to prove your point of view, you’ll take everything as it comes. Less resistance to things as they are makes for a pleasanter day all around.

Make Out Like a Teenager

Smart  Start Kissing and hugging boost blood serum proteins that reduce stress and activate the immune system, says Masahiro Matsunaga, Ph.D., who has studied the subject. Practically speaking, this means that you’re happier and less irritable.

Go for Glad Set aside some private time and kiss your husband in your favorite way for three minutes, then switch to his preferred technique. Ready for the AP course? Pick a mood—passionate, romantic, tender—and communicate all its nuances with only your lips.

Shake Up Your Workday

Smart Start Employees who find more on-the-job excitement have better family relationships, according to a study from Kansas State University. “You’re in a better state of mind and you take it home with you,” says Satoris Culbertson, Ph.D., assistant professor of psychology at KSU.

Go for Glad Be a hero to your boss by taking over what’s overloading her. The different responsibilities will kick you off autopilot. “Your mind is firing on new things,” says Kimberly Yorio, coauthor of Happy at Work, Happy at Home (Broadway). That same energy will fuel upbeat family interactions later on.

Get with the Moment

Smart Start It’s a fact: Consciously acknowledging and experiencing positive emotions as they’re happening makes you less likely to feel overwhelmed when things get tough. “Noticing good things widens your perspective,” says Barbara Fredrickson, Ph.D., of the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill. “Then you can see more options and solutions.”

Go for Glad Several times a day, slow down and check in with your touch, taste, smell, sight and hearing. Keyed in to your surroundings, enjoying life will become a habit.

Learn Something New

Smart Start Reaching external goals —money, looks, fame—“does not contribute one iota” to feeling good over the long haul, says Edward L. Deci, Ph.D., professor of psychology at the University of Rochester. What counts is attaining an internal goal. Activities like developing a talent or serving the community are what increase well-being, satisfaction and self-esteem.

Go for Glad Do something you’ve always dreamed of—learn Spanish, coach a soccer team or just plan a block party. Instead of focusing on results, though, let yourself really relish the skills and relationships you develop along the way. You’ll be creating a sense of satisfaction you can tap into endlessly.

Reward Yourself

Smart Start Money can’t buy happiness, but knowing that you’ve got resources creates a greater sense of security, says Kathleen D. Vohs, Ph.D., consumer psychologist at the Carlson School of Management at the University of Minnesota. In fact, just thinking about it can make you feel less awkward in social situations and better able to withstand physical pain.

Go for Glad When something you want to do seems too difficult—running a 5K, for example, or chairing a PTA committee—promise yourself a financial gift if you achieve your goal. Knowing there’s $20 waiting can motivate you to move beyond your resistance, says Vohs.

Choose a Feel-Good Mood

Smart Start A study from the University of California, Riverside, found that people who practiced keeping their thoughts optimistic increased their overall sense of well-being. Basically, this means you can train your mind to look on the bright side the same way you train your body for a new sport or yoga position. When you think positively, your life works better.

Go for Glad Become your own publicist, and, for 15 minutes a week, picture your ideal self. Each time focus on a different facet of your life—marriage, parenthood, job, friends, hobbies, community involvement, physical and mental health—and imagine a best possible scenario coming true. What at first looked impossible will begin to feel
attainable, says Lyubomirsky.

Be Generous

Smart Start People who spend on others instead of themselves experience a whole lot more joy. While the reasons for this spending bonus aren’t totally clear, researchers surmise that the benefit comes a few ways: an ego boost; the joy of taking care of someone else; being able to see the direct effect of one’s spending; and building social connections.

Go for Glad Rather than going out and buying something for family or friends, spring for an experience—a cup of coffee, a few lessons, a trip to a museum.  A focus on doing over having doubles the benefit. “You rarely look back and remember the day you bought something,” says Robert Biswas-Diener, co-author of  Happiness  (Wiley-Blackwell).  But good experiences create memories you can always draw on.

Invest in Your Marriage

Smart Start Lots of things happen in relationships that we can’t control, but if you’re able to stay with your spouse for the long haul, research shows you’re better off. One study found that people who remained married to their first spouse had the best physical and psychological health, reportedly from enjoying an overall sense of security and support.

Go for Glad Are you convinced you already put a lot of energy into making your spouse happy? Take a closer look—for most people that actually means giving what you’d want rather than what the other person would choose. Think about what he’d really love—tickets to a local sporting event, a movie-marathon with the family, a Saturday without a must-do list—then make it happen.

Spread the Joy

Smart Start Happiness is contagious, says a study in the medical journal BMJ. When you show kindness to a friend, she passes it along to her friend. Even the smallest moment of cheer has a ripple effect, says Nicholas Christakis, M.D., Ph.D., coauthor of Connected (Little, Brown).

Go for Glad The next time you’re ready to blow up at that woman in the express line with 20 items, smile at her instead or even strike up a conversation. Maybe she’ll go home and be nicer to her kids. For sure, you’ll have spread a little goodwill. And who knows? It may come back around to you one day.

Family Circle | January 2010